CHALLENGE

 Today think of three specific things you love about each child - and then tell them! For instance, "Son, I love your creativity when you do art. Who you are really comes through that piece." Of course, make it age appropriate. A 2 or 3 year old might just like to hear that you love her hugs or how she makes you laugh. Have fun and post back what you did. We'd love to hear!


Happy Communicating~ 
Andrea

Sibling Love

Lately my sweet little boys aren't always sweet with each other. This is totally normal, I know. In part this occurs in our life because DS2 is at home alone with me all day while DS1 is at school. When DS1 comes home, my attention is divided - not popular for either one! DS1 wants to visit and talk about his day, while DS2 still wants the attention he had all day.

There's another factor at work here. Research shows that friendships are relatively easy to maintain, in part because the friend goes home. A sibling can't do that. You know what it's like to have a best friend and think you'll live together GREAT, but it turns out to be a fiasco. This is because time away from our friends actually helps our relationships. Siblings don't have that luxury.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Eventually they may want to spend their life with some special someone and skills for living day in and day out with the same people are hard earned. And siblings can share a special bond throughout their entire lives.

What's a parent to do? A few things. First, be sure they have time apart. Don't always force them to play together. Respect the boundaries that they set up. Kids aren't always suave at boundary setting, though! My DS2 will often say "I don't want you to read a book to me!" (you can hear the shouting whine, right?) What he's really saying is that he doesn't want DS1 with him right then....or doing that activity with him.

So time apart is healthy. So is teaching them communication skills for living with others. Skills like you'll learn at Your Successful Family!

Finally, and I know you know this but it can't be overstated: be sure to tell each one what is special and lovable about that specific child. Spend time doing what that child enjoys and protect that time as much as possible. This is a delicate balance, especially as the number of children increases. But with effort, it's workable, and worth it!

Happy Communicating~
Andrea

How well do you know your spouse?

Lately I've been re-reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D. This amazing Seattle researcher can precdict divorce with an amazing 91% accuracy - simply by watching couples interact. His books are at the very top of suggested reading for my students.

Because I, too, want a marriage that thrives for the long haul, I enjoy reviewing the books from time to time. As you know, different seasons of marriage bring different challenges.

This week I'm spending time thinking about how well I know my husband. We took a little survey last week. The most surprising answer he gave for me was when he was asked what my all time favorite gift would be. Now, you first should understhand that my husband loves to buy gifts. Yet, he knew that the gift I'd want most of all is the gift of more time - to read, to accomplish, to enjoy life. All this time I thought he missed that point! But he didn't. His knowing this about me endeared him to me even more.

So, this week I encourage you to get to know your spouse all over again. Pretend you just met. Ask all those silly, getting-to-know you questions. Don't focus on pointing out wrong answers, but focus on seeking to understand your spouse. Even after decades you might be surprised at what you learn!

If you need help with getting started, or want to share how it goes, please post a comment!

Have a blessed week,
Andrea

Responding to What We Think is Said

If you read the last post on "what we say and what the other person hears," you know that this can sometimes be a tricky situation in relationships. Today I'd like to address what we should do if we don't like what we think we hear.

Let's go back to the example from the last post. You and your husband are going out on a date. He asks, "Is that what you are wearing?" You hear "you're fat." In reality, though, he may simply think it's too dressy, or not dressy enough, for where you are going. BIG difference!

So, what's a woman to do?

We need to check our interpretations with our husband. And we need to set our insecurities aside long enough that we don't come across as accusatory, otherwise we start a vicious cycle of negativity ("So I'm FAT?!"..."No, I didn't say that"..."You MEANT it!"..."Wait, why are you yelling at ME?"...both parties are then escalating and preparing to ruin a perfectly good evening out).

Let's go back to his initial question. . . "is that what you are wearing?"
Your best answer is something like "yes, why?" If he says "no reason," don't let him off the hook! He did ask for a reason. But you also need to be prepared for his answer. It's best to be honest here ("Look honey, I know I've gained weight lately. Are you trying to tell me that what I'm wearing isn't flattering on me?").

When he answers, thank him for his honesty and make a decision about whether or not you are going to change. By setting aside your insecurity, taking his thoughts into consideration, and keeping your calm, you demonstrate respect and trust for your spouse while preserving your night out. That's a great combination!

Have any examples of He Said-She Heard? Share them here!

Happy Communicating~
Andrea