Post Series: Communication & Pregnancy

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was on the receiving end of LOTS of comments and questions that were totally inappropriate! After doing some research, I discovered I was not alone. I conducted formal research and compiled my results into a book. For the next few weeks I'll be posting excerpts from my book to share about communication with pregnant women. Does this necessitate a special type of communication? I argue that it does. For some reason, when people see a pregnant woman, they typically forget social protocol and say the most amazingly shocking things! 

Before we get started, though, I should outline my communication approach. If you've been reading for any length of time, you know that understanding someone's perspective helps you to understand what they are really trying to say. Without further ado...

For some communication researchers, talking with other people is often more successful for both parties if the person talking considers the listener when making the message. Sounds a bit complicated, right? Not really! All this means is that I need to think about the other person and how they will interpret what I am saying when I talk to them. 

For instance, if I want my husband to help get our son to bed so I can clean up the kitchen and relax with him earlier tonight, it would not be in our best interests to approach him with “you never do anything. Take care of your son so I can finally relax.” Nope. He’d get to the second word and hear “you’re a terrible husband. Nothing you can do will ever please me. It’s all about me, me, me.” That’s the best case scenario. He might just hear “blah, blah, blah.” Both interpretations are bad because not only is he unlikely to help me, but either interpretation hurts our marriage. That’s no way for me to get help! Instead, I should be honest and think of what he will hear in my message. So, for my husband, this would work better: “Honey, I’d really like to relax with you. Would you mind putting RJ to bed so that I can clean the kitchen and we can both sit down together?” Now I have considered how he will interpret my comments and phrased my message in a way that is honest (tells my intentions and motivations) and also appeals to his needs. Success!

How does this influence communicating with pregnant women? Taking a receiver approach to communication means that we try to communicate in a way that will be best received while still getting our point across. So, if we feel compelled to comment on a woman’s pregnancy, we should probably do it in a way that does not offend her – especially if we want her to talk to us again! In each post, I’ll cover questions and statements that pregnant women find objectionable, and offer some suggestions for a more receiver-oriented way to phrase things. Put your own spin on it, though. Make them yours. Just remember – it’s not all about what you want to say; you also need to consider her feelings and where she is in her life. 

Happy Communicating!

~Andrea

Communicating: Lessons of Truth

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." Proverbs 25:11

King Solomon was a very wise man. Here he tell us how valuable good communication can be.

In King Solomon's time, as in ours, gold and silver were worth a lot of money. If you had an apple for food, that would be good. But to have one made of gold would be unheard of - something only kings would own. Then to have it set in silver!! My goodness, that would be treasure of great worth. I'd love to have one of those, even today. I can only imagine how much money it would bring back in King Solomon's time.

THAT is how valuable a well-placed word is. When we say something to someone that is just right, it's like giving the person a golden apple dipped in silver.

Doing this, however, can be difficult. Today I'm sick, and I have been for three days. I don't really want to be nice to my family. Yet, I realize that I am giving a valuable gift when I choose a kind word instead of a grumpy, sickness-induced word.

What words can you share today that are appropriate and timely? Make the right choice and you'll give the listener a gift money can't measure.

Andrea

How well do you know your spouse?

Lately I've been re-reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D. This amazing Seattle researcher can precdict divorce with an amazing 91% accuracy - simply by watching couples interact. His books are at the very top of suggested reading for my students.

Because I, too, want a marriage that thrives for the long haul, I enjoy reviewing the books from time to time. As you know, different seasons of marriage bring different challenges.

This week I'm spending time thinking about how well I know my husband. We took a little survey last week. The most surprising answer he gave for me was when he was asked what my all time favorite gift would be. Now, you first should understhand that my husband loves to buy gifts. Yet, he knew that the gift I'd want most of all is the gift of more time - to read, to accomplish, to enjoy life. All this time I thought he missed that point! But he didn't. His knowing this about me endeared him to me even more.

So, this week I encourage you to get to know your spouse all over again. Pretend you just met. Ask all those silly, getting-to-know you questions. Don't focus on pointing out wrong answers, but focus on seeking to understand your spouse. Even after decades you might be surprised at what you learn!

If you need help with getting started, or want to share how it goes, please post a comment!

Have a blessed week,
Andrea

Responding to What We Think is Said

If you read the last post on "what we say and what the other person hears," you know that this can sometimes be a tricky situation in relationships. Today I'd like to address what we should do if we don't like what we think we hear.

Let's go back to the example from the last post. You and your husband are going out on a date. He asks, "Is that what you are wearing?" You hear "you're fat." In reality, though, he may simply think it's too dressy, or not dressy enough, for where you are going. BIG difference!

So, what's a woman to do?

We need to check our interpretations with our husband. And we need to set our insecurities aside long enough that we don't come across as accusatory, otherwise we start a vicious cycle of negativity ("So I'm FAT?!"..."No, I didn't say that"..."You MEANT it!"..."Wait, why are you yelling at ME?"...both parties are then escalating and preparing to ruin a perfectly good evening out).

Let's go back to his initial question. . . "is that what you are wearing?"
Your best answer is something like "yes, why?" If he says "no reason," don't let him off the hook! He did ask for a reason. But you also need to be prepared for his answer. It's best to be honest here ("Look honey, I know I've gained weight lately. Are you trying to tell me that what I'm wearing isn't flattering on me?").

When he answers, thank him for his honesty and make a decision about whether or not you are going to change. By setting aside your insecurity, taking his thoughts into consideration, and keeping your calm, you demonstrate respect and trust for your spouse while preserving your night out. That's a great combination!

Have any examples of He Said-She Heard? Share them here!

Happy Communicating~
Andrea

Being a Successful Family...

... means sometimes saying "well done" when you want to say "what were you thinking!?"

Please let me explain.

My DS, 6 years old, has started getting his 2 year old brother up all by himself on Saturday mornings. He does this so I can sleep in. Of course, I don't usually keep sleeping once they are up! But it's a wonderful thought and some days I really do read in bed while I pray and listen to the sweet birds sing their songs.

When the boys are up, DS1 usually prepares breakfast. He generally gets out bowls and makes cereal for us all. Last week he made us a nice smorgasbord of items found in the pantry.

Today, he pulled out all the stops: figs, dates, marshmallows, chocolate granola thins, honey sticks, pistachios, carrot bran muffins, chocolate chip cookies that he 'fixed up' with confectioner's sugar and sprinkles, and dove chocolates. Upon seeing his proud creation, I wanted to scream. Honestly. All that sugar for breakfast?? And COOKIES??

But then I looked at his sweet, happy face. He was so proud of himself for letting me sleep and making breakfast. He put out foods he thought I would like. He tried. In the process, he helped his brother change out of his diaper and jammies and into underwear and clothes (means he also helped with the potty). He did something so nice for me.

I realized a little bit of sugar was NOT a big deal. So I praised him and told him what a good job he did. Later, perhaps, we can talk about putting some of the fresh fruit from the fridge and saving cookies for later. But for now, I'm simply happy that my typically clingy older son is exhibiting signs of independence (from me) and practicing acts of service.

That seems pretty successful to me.

Q4U: How do your kids communicate their love for YOU?

Happy Communicating!
~ Andrea

Talking in Sick Times

Well, the flu has hit our happy little family. We ALL have it. Son #1 has been out of school for three days and all Mommy and Daddy want to do is sleep. Very little housework, cooking...or blogging...going on here!

This makes me realize, though, that communication is always important. As my DH and I drag ourselves around the house, avoiding the same space, I was sad to find out yesterday afternoon that I didn't know how he was feeling. No, I didn't feel much like asking. And I'd venture to say he didn't feel like asking me, either. But we believe that we are called to put others first. Even when we are sick. So, we care for our kids and each other.

When I was trying to sleep off the flu yesterday morning in bed (it was DH's turn to flu-sleep in the living room), DH unloaded clean dishes and loaded more...even though HE was sick. That communicates a lot to me. And not just that we were out of spoons for jello! He loves me, even when he's sick and we aren't talking much.

This morning I took time to ask him how I could help him, even though I was nauseated and wanted to go rest. He was freezing, so I brought in the warm blankets for him from the dryer.

Nope, we aren't always great at this when we are sick. But thinking, and writing, about the ways we can communicate well when we are sick reminds me how important it is to practice the skills when we are well so they come easier when we are sick.

I hope the flu passes you by this season. If not, get lots of rest and remember to ask your spouse how you can help!

All the best to you,
Andrea

The Many Ways We Communicate

For some reason, this is always a fun topic when I teach this. I think it's because we communicate in so many ways that most of us are unaware of. You see where this week's blog entries are going, right?

Some famous researchers (Watzlavick, Beavin, and Jackson for those keeping track!) once said that we "cannot not communicate". Think about that for a minute. If you walk into a room...even if you say nothing...you are communicating to those present. The clothes you wear, how you smell, how you enter the room, the look on your face...all communicate something.

Let's take a minute and look at the different modes of communicating (whether intentional or not). Communication occurs in combinations of two mediums - verbal/nonverbal and vocal/nonvocal.
The verbal medium deals with words. Anything we communicate with words is verbal.
The vocal medium deals with using our voice. Here are the four modes broken down:

Verbal-Vocal: You got it! This one denotes talking. Any time we say something to someone we are using this mode of communication. This mode is most easily understood as communication.

Verbal-Nonvocal: This is when we use words but no voice. American Sign Language is the best example of this.

Nonverbal-Vocal: We use this when we are not using words, but we are using our voice. We may not always recognize this as communication, but at the same time we know when someone else does this. If your husband comes into the room and heaves a great S-I-G-H, you know something is going on...though he didn't say a word. Other examples include crying, screaming (without words, of course), humming, tone of voice, volume of speech, rate of speech, and 'huffing and puffing'.

Nonverbal-Nonvocal: This category is huge! I'll be coming back to this in much greater detail in future posts. For now, it's important to know that this includes appearance, smell, eye contact, proximtiy, issues of territory, and touch.

The wonderful world of interpersonal communication informs our understanding in so many ways.
By knowing the ways we communicate, we can better tune in to our loved ones and monitor our own communication to 'say' what we really mean. More on that on Thursday!

Have a wonderful week!
Andrea