Love the Messenger, Hate the Message

So, first, please allow me to say it's good to be back!

As you may know, I'm reasonably active in my son's school and spring is always the busiest time of year there. I am also teaching a great course at UCF. And writing product reviews. And I'm interviewing for another teaching job for summer/fall. And I started my own business this spring. And, of course, there's my family and house. LOL

Today I was listening to a wonderful motivational CD and heard a quote that I really want to share with you: "You can love the messenger, but still hate the message." Linda Toupin, National Sales Director for Mary Kay says this about the messages we may receive from our families.

We all want to be inspiring, uplifting parents. You know the ones - they say "good job, Junior" and "you can do anything you set your mind to, Sister." Yet, we are human. Sometimes we say things like "why can't you do things right?" or "That's not good enough." Ouch.

As we age all the comments fill us up - for better or worse. Then as adults, we sometimes don't reject those messages because we really do love the person who said them - the messenger. Yet, as Linda Toupin reminded me today, it's totally possible to say "that message doesn't work for me" while still saying "I love my Mom."

Are there messages from your past that you need to reject? The Bible says that God made us in His image. If that's so, then we are made just right. We can reject the messages that say anything else.

Happy Communicating~
Andrea

What we say vs. what they hear

Today I want to talk about what we say to someone and what they hear from us. Life experience tells us that sometimes these are two very different things!

In communication terms this refers to CONTENT and RELATIONAL level messages.

The content level is the words we say. The relational level is what we mean by what we say. And this level is often the most important because it reflects how we feel about the relationship. As I'm sure you can imagine, what you mean (relational level) by the message (content level) and what the other person thinks you mean might be two very different things.

Let's look at an example. Let's say your husband says "Is that what you are wearing to go out?" Those words, all by themselves, are the content level. On the surface this is a simple question with a yes/no answer.

Women, however, don't hear the message as a simple yes/no question. They interpret this as "I don't like what you are wearing" or "you look awful" or "you look fat" or .... you get the idea. Even further, though, some women may hear that their spouse thinks they can't make clothing decisions, or that their spouse is not satisfied with them (relational level message).

Our interpretation of the message is based in part on our husband's nonverbal cues. If he gives us a look with raised eyebrows and a scowl, we know that he does not like our outfit. If he peers around (or worse, asks us to turn around so he can see everything), we believe he thinks we look fat. So, how someone sends a message says a lot about how the receiver will interpret the message...and the sub-text of our relationship.

Can you see how hurtful...and helpful... this might be in a marriage?

Skill4U: As you interact with your spouse for the next two days, spend time focusing on YOUR content and relational level messages. Don't worry too much about how you are interpreting his messages right now. Focus on the words you are saying and what you mean to say (in the moment, and about your relationship). Try to get the two to line up (remember the post on 'mean what you say'?) This weekend I'll give some tips for interpreting.

Happy Communicating~
Andrea