What we say vs. what they hear

Today I want to talk about what we say to someone and what they hear from us. Life experience tells us that sometimes these are two very different things!

In communication terms this refers to CONTENT and RELATIONAL level messages.

The content level is the words we say. The relational level is what we mean by what we say. And this level is often the most important because it reflects how we feel about the relationship. As I'm sure you can imagine, what you mean (relational level) by the message (content level) and what the other person thinks you mean might be two very different things.

Let's look at an example. Let's say your husband says "Is that what you are wearing to go out?" Those words, all by themselves, are the content level. On the surface this is a simple question with a yes/no answer.

Women, however, don't hear the message as a simple yes/no question. They interpret this as "I don't like what you are wearing" or "you look awful" or "you look fat" or .... you get the idea. Even further, though, some women may hear that their spouse thinks they can't make clothing decisions, or that their spouse is not satisfied with them (relational level message).

Our interpretation of the message is based in part on our husband's nonverbal cues. If he gives us a look with raised eyebrows and a scowl, we know that he does not like our outfit. If he peers around (or worse, asks us to turn around so he can see everything), we believe he thinks we look fat. So, how someone sends a message says a lot about how the receiver will interpret the message...and the sub-text of our relationship.

Can you see how hurtful...and helpful... this might be in a marriage?

Skill4U: As you interact with your spouse for the next two days, spend time focusing on YOUR content and relational level messages. Don't worry too much about how you are interpreting his messages right now. Focus on the words you are saying and what you mean to say (in the moment, and about your relationship). Try to get the two to line up (remember the post on 'mean what you say'?) This weekend I'll give some tips for interpreting.

Happy Communicating~
Andrea

SKILL DAY: How do YOU communicate?

This may seem like a strange question. If you read Monday's entry, you saw that I told you about four different modes of communicating:

with words and sounds (verbal/vocal; talking)
with words and no sounds (verbal/nonvocal; sign language)
with no words and sounds (nonverbal/vocal; tone of voice, volume, etc.)
with no words and no sounds (nonverbal/nonvocal; raised eyebrows, gestures, etc.)

On today's Skill Day, I want to focus on having you think about the ways you communicate. When visiting my mother last summer I realized I sigh...a lot. And I know exactly where I learned it! She sighs a lot, too. It frustrated me when she did it (sorry, Mom!). At that point I realized that while I'm usually sighing to try to "center" my thoughts, it may frustrate those around me. And that's NEVER my goal. Now, I'll be honest. I still sigh. I try to do it quieter now, though, and less frequently.

My dear husband has also helped me to see the ways I communicate that I'm sometimes oblivious to. For instance, sometimes when we are on the phone, the kids need my attention. You know what I'm talking about, right? He'll let me know, with love, that I'm not giving him my full attention. In communication lingo - I'm communicating in a way that I didn't realize. I love it when he does this because that's an opportunity for me to make changes! If I don't realize I'm doing something, I can't change it.

Skill4U: So, how do YOU communicate? Pay attention this week to what you are saying...and not saying. Maybe ask your spouse to help you tune in to your nonverbal communication (tone of voice, eye contact, etc.). By being more tuned in, we can communicate what we really mean to communicate.

The Many Ways We Communicate

For some reason, this is always a fun topic when I teach this. I think it's because we communicate in so many ways that most of us are unaware of. You see where this week's blog entries are going, right?

Some famous researchers (Watzlavick, Beavin, and Jackson for those keeping track!) once said that we "cannot not communicate". Think about that for a minute. If you walk into a room...even if you say nothing...you are communicating to those present. The clothes you wear, how you smell, how you enter the room, the look on your face...all communicate something.

Let's take a minute and look at the different modes of communicating (whether intentional or not). Communication occurs in combinations of two mediums - verbal/nonverbal and vocal/nonvocal.
The verbal medium deals with words. Anything we communicate with words is verbal.
The vocal medium deals with using our voice. Here are the four modes broken down:

Verbal-Vocal: You got it! This one denotes talking. Any time we say something to someone we are using this mode of communication. This mode is most easily understood as communication.

Verbal-Nonvocal: This is when we use words but no voice. American Sign Language is the best example of this.

Nonverbal-Vocal: We use this when we are not using words, but we are using our voice. We may not always recognize this as communication, but at the same time we know when someone else does this. If your husband comes into the room and heaves a great S-I-G-H, you know something is going on...though he didn't say a word. Other examples include crying, screaming (without words, of course), humming, tone of voice, volume of speech, rate of speech, and 'huffing and puffing'.

Nonverbal-Nonvocal: This category is huge! I'll be coming back to this in much greater detail in future posts. For now, it's important to know that this includes appearance, smell, eye contact, proximtiy, issues of territory, and touch.

The wonderful world of interpersonal communication informs our understanding in so many ways.
By knowing the ways we communicate, we can better tune in to our loved ones and monitor our own communication to 'say' what we really mean. More on that on Thursday!

Have a wonderful week!
Andrea