When You Want to Call a Friend to Vent

I've been thinking about a message that comes up a lot in my world lately - that of being positive and not talking about the things that are going wrong. Pastor John Gray said this best when he claimed that "a lot of our friends WANT us to be broken." I find this to be absolutely true! When I tell my friends that I am doing great, I find it's a conversation-stopper.

Today, I'm going to address this phenomenon from a Biblical and research perspective. Then, next week we will explore alternatives to wallowing in our troubles and instead focusing on what is RIGHT in our lives.

Last year about this time, I read that "Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back" (Psalm 29:11). This brought me up quickly. How many times do I call a sister or friend to vent about what happened last to irritate me? We are told by many people, friends and family for sure, that venting is good. We'll feel good to "get it off our chest." Yet, this verse seems to indicate that we might be way off base with that notion. 

Further, research shows that contrary to popular belief, venting breeds aggression, hostility, and resentment. Ouch. That's a lot of bad outcomes for a simple vent. Certainly that's not the positive outcomes we are promised if we call our friend and vent about our day. 

So, what's a person to do? Well, researchers Cavell and Malcolm recommend beginning by taking some deep breaths. I know, sounds simple. But next time you're angry, see how "simple" it is when all you want to do is call a friend and spew. 

Next, focus on what's good. Second Timothy 3:2 says that people who are lovers of themselves (hhmm...self-centered focus on one's own problems?) are also lacking in gratitude. On the other hand, Hebrews 12:28 tells us that since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken (it's a sure thing - no need to get worried about it or focus on our circumstances), we should show gratitude. So, in your situation, what can you be grateful for?  Perhaps by this time in your situation, you realize you are glad you didn't vent about it to someone! 

So that's our start for today. Venting may not be all it's cracked up to be. Instead, stop, breathe, and be grateful. 

The Bible and researchers do know some great strategies for what we can talk about with our friends that has GREAT effects and builds our relationships - without needing to be broken all the time. But we'll talk about that next time.

Happy Communicating!

Andrea

Ah...Simplicity

I've done Bible studies for various reasons over the years. I've wanted to learn about God and His Son, I've wanted to learn more about myself, I've wanted to learn how to live in a way that is in alignment with what I believe. While I enjoy simply reading the Bible, a study helps to get me up in the morning with a purpose and gives me something to focus on throughout the day.

Maybe you are a Bible reader - or maybe not.

Either way, I bet there has been at least one day when you wished that life could be simpler. While many of us talk about 'simplicity', we often wear our busyness like a badge of honor. Out of my entire social network, I only have one person who is outspoken about her quiet life. And even she gets overrun by busyness sometimes!

For others, simplicity has to do with "stuff." These people feel simplicity when they clean house, give unused items to the charity of their choice, and declutter. There are lots of great websites to help you do that, if you feel drawn to it.

For me, however, simplicity goes deeper than my schedule or my stuff. It goes to my soul. I long to be someone with a quiet and gentle spirit. Someone that others want to be around because of my calm nature.

This morning I completed a study that helped me to understand just how to attain that kind of simplicity.

Cynthia Heald has written a great study - Becoming a Woman of Simplicity.

In this fantastic, Bible-based study, Cynthia shows us how to draw near to God and away from the elements of our lives that draw us from Him. She gives great tips for how to settle down to attain that quiet spirit. Cynthia balances questions from the Bible, application questions, and text explaining the Bible and her own application.

I am so glad I took the time to do this study. While there are 11 lessons, I took about a month to complete it. I'd work in the mornings, as time allowed. Some days I only had time to answer two questions. But those questions would stay with me throughout my day.

Understanding the concept of quieting my soul and focusing on a gentle nature absolutely impacts my family. My boys begin to see a more calm mother, ready to handle life as it comes. My husband sees a wife who is more eager to spend time with him when he's available, instead of rushing back to my list.

Without a doubt, Becoming a Woman of Simplicity was a great use of my money and time. I am sure it can have impact for you, too.

Have you worked through a great study? We'd love to hear about it in the comments section!

Happy Communicating!
Andrea

Sweet and Salty Words

Yin and Yang. Black and White. Discipline and Reward. 

Our lives often seem to be held in a balance. Every day we have a series of choices to make that govern the path of our lives.

The same is true in our communication. In the field of interpersonal communication, we are aware that people face opposites every day, but they occur in a "both/and" format. For instance, at times I want to be with my partner, while at the same time I want time apart from my partner. I want to be with you, but I want time alone. These dialectics, as they are called, occur in various parts of our relationships, and between those in relationship and their social world.

We see evidence of this "both/and" concept in today's verse: "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person" (Colossians 4:6) that speaks directly to the concept of opposites presenting a choice in our lives.

Let's unpack this a bit and see how we can live Paul's direction.  According to Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary, "Grace is the salt which seasons our discourse, and keeps it from corrupting."
My New American Standard Bible (study version) says that the salt is used for preserving, as in with meat. 

In looking at these two sources, it seems that our words should be both sweet and salty. I'm picturing a good piece of ginger-pistachio chocolate bark right now! Lots of salty pistachio with sweet, tangy ginger wrapped up in dark chocolate. Can you feel all those tastes and textures?

The way we talk with people should be just like that. We should be sweet (gracious, kind, loving, understanding; think Proverbs 4:7 - Wisdom is the main thing; Therefore get wisdom; And in all your getting, get understanding.) We should also be salty (lively, preserving, life-giving, ready to give an account for what we believe, wholesome, filled with Truth). 

We can be both at one time. We can speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) in all that we do. When we do this, we will know how to answer each person. Too often, I think I am trying to come up with the "right" answer, instead of the answer that is both sweet and salty - and in line with what God wants - the truth in love. When we focus on answering the way we learn from Colossians and Ephesians  we will know what to say...whether to our spouse, kids, or friends. 

Happy Communicating,
Andrea

Where Do a Fool's Lips Walk?

After beginning this week in the book of Proverbs, I decided to camp out here for the week. Proverbs is filled with simple, realistic advice about how to handle our relationships. While some people advocate reading one chapter for each day of the month (there are 31 chapters), I find that too much to chew at one time. I prefer to dig into just a few verses at a time to really implement the lessons. 

Today's lesson is about fools. I know, WE aren't fools. But we certainly know who ARE!

So, whether the fool is US or THEM, Solomon tell us that, 
"A fool's lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating." (Proverbs 18:6)

In this case a fool refers to unwise or ungodly people. These wise or ungodly people are quick to quarrel. 

I don't know about you, but I never intend to let my foolish lips walk into an argument. Yet, I consistently jump to being defensive, instead of listening first. I assume that friends and loved ones might be insulting me instead of seeking to understand their perspective first (Proverbs 4:7). 
My experience tells me that when my foolish lips walk into a fight, the consequences are not pleasant. While those consequences don't lead to beatings in my life, they do lead to damaged relationships. In many ways, when I speak foolishly, my relationship is the one to suffer the beating. There are far too many people who want to see our families fall apart. We shouldn't be sabotaging them from within.

In light of this knowledge, today I'm in prayer to understand my loved ones and implement another wonderful Proverb: 
"Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips." (Proverbs 141:3)

Andrea

Tips for Effective Family Decision Making

As we near the end of the school year, it seems like more decisions need to be made: what will we do this summer? Will we take a vacation? If so, to where and for how long? How much money do we have to spend? Will the kids go to camps? Can we take any time off? Just making that list exhausts me...not to mention actually making the decisions. 

And, of course, decisions must be made all year. Families are no strangers to decision making. Yet not all families make decisions successfully. Sometimes one person just chooses what he or she wants and that's it. Other times the kids make decisions. Some families have a family meeting to discuss options (more on family meetings in a future post!). 

No matter what your past style of family decision making, here are some tips for improving the process. 

FIVE PRINCIPLES TO HELP FAMILIES MAKE DECISIONS

1. Create a sense of justice by treating family members equally, regardless of sex or power resources. Even children who do not have much influence can be treated with respect. 
2. Create a sense of autonomy by respecting each family member’s rights to free choices in order to carry out actions that enhance their lives (this includes giving adolescents a full understanding of consequences of approved options and letting them decide and then face consequences). Not everyone has to agree. And that's okay! Most people simply want the right to feel how they feel. Seek to understand each other before determining whose ideas feed the end goal best. 
3. Create a sense of caring by helping other family members achieve their goals (even if they aren’t OUR goals). If someone brings up an unrelated issue during a discussion, make a note and be sure to get back to it. Our spouses and children will be so glad we took their concerns seriously! 
4. Create an awareness of which decisions lead to actions and behaviors that harm family members or put them at risk. If someone is fearful of a particular option, don't go that route. If a family member feels at risk, trust plummets. 
5. Create a sense of loyalty by keeping promises. James 5:12 says  “Let your yes be yes and your no be no." This means that we do what we say see will and don't do what we say we won't. So think carefully before saying yes or no! 

As you can see, these strategies require some family time. Designate someone to take notes. We have a sliding glass door and we occasionally use window markers to make notes there. It's a fun way to keep a visible record of our ideas. If everyone's ideas go on the board, then everyone feels valuable. And we are all valuable. 

Happy Communicating!

Andrea

Speaking and Listening

A friend recently said she was reading the book of James in the Bible. Though I've read it before, I just finished reading Mark and thought James was a good place for my morning and evening Bible reading. I usually read just enough to give me something to think about and ponder.

This morning I encountered this nugget, "Let every person be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath" (chapter 1, verse 19).  Ouch. With Thanksgiving two days away, my DH birthday in 10 days, and a family trip coming up, I will admit that wrath is often closer than anything else.

Yet, the wisdom written centuries ago by Jesus's brother is just as true today. My family relationships would be much better if I took the time to hear what people are trying to say, instead of jumping to conclusions. My soul would be at peace if I took the time to speak only after thinking and listening. 


As the holidays draw near...whichever holidays you celebrate...I encourage you to join me in being slow to speak and anger, while being swift in really hearing (listening) to others. It just might make our holidays more enjoyable.

Happy Communicating!
Andrea

Lessons in Truth

Better is a dry morsel with quietness

Than a house full of feasting with strife.

Proverbs 17:1

Quietness...Strife. Which will you choose this day?
One may accompany rough and austere times, but love and peace prevail.
The other may accompany times of plenty, but quarreling and contentiousness prevail.

When we know God and His Son, Jesus Christ, we can choose quietness, even if it comes with a dry morsel. We know that in the end, we will have the feast.

At yoursuccessfulfamily, I try to include personal examples so you can see that what I tell you about is real, not just some objective textbook drudgery. I try to include lessons learned to help you avoid some pitfalls.

Today's Lesson in Truth hits home. I've tried strife and quietness with my family in the last week. And as always, the Bible is correct. I'll take that dry morsel any time. And I think my family is glad for that.

How about you?

Andrea

Communicating: Lessons of Truth

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." Proverbs 25:11

King Solomon was a very wise man. Here he tell us how valuable good communication can be.

In King Solomon's time, as in ours, gold and silver were worth a lot of money. If you had an apple for food, that would be good. But to have one made of gold would be unheard of - something only kings would own. Then to have it set in silver!! My goodness, that would be treasure of great worth. I'd love to have one of those, even today. I can only imagine how much money it would bring back in King Solomon's time.

THAT is how valuable a well-placed word is. When we say something to someone that is just right, it's like giving the person a golden apple dipped in silver.

Doing this, however, can be difficult. Today I'm sick, and I have been for three days. I don't really want to be nice to my family. Yet, I realize that I am giving a valuable gift when I choose a kind word instead of a grumpy, sickness-induced word.

What words can you share today that are appropriate and timely? Make the right choice and you'll give the listener a gift money can't measure.

Andrea