Handling Conflict

Sorry that I've been gone a while! I recently added several hats to my repertoire and I'm still working on finding balance. I'll continue to write as I can, though, and hope you find the info helpful.

This week in my class we discussed conflict. Not a happy topic, but one with which we can all relate.
Here are some short and sweet tips we discussed:

How to handle conflict

managing conflict: dysfunctional strategies:

do not say “we need to communicate more” or  “cooperate more”

do not blame the other person

do not attack the other person

do not be too general (specificity provides a starting point)

do not avoid conflict

do not try to keep people talking so long that they give up (people will vote ‘yes’ just to resolve the conflict)

managing conflict: functional strategies:

identify your problem and desires

express disagreement tactfully

listen actively (paraphrase, ask questions, focus on what they are saying instead of what YOU want to say)

persuade others of the value of conflict

develop trust

don’t take disagreement personal rejection

demonstrate cooperativeness if your suggestion is rejected

These strategies can be used in families, friendship, and business relationships. Try to remember that generally speaking we are on the same team. Try to take your focus off YOURSELF and focus on a common goal - solving the problem. 

Happy Communicating!

Andrea

Shared Meanings

In all relationships, meanings are formed as people interpret what they perceive and construct a sense of reality. Family meanings are developed as members interpret their behaviors through communication. For instance, my husband and I are working on telling each other what meaning we attach to certain things. For instance, last Thursday he surprised me with a Starbucks drink. This was very special to me! I told him that when he brings me "fancy" coffees unexpectedly, I feel loved and special to him. Yes, this sounds a bit stilted when I say it, but it's creating a shared meaning for us.

When behaviors are interpreted in the same way or interpretations are discussed and clarified, similar meanings emerge, and communication becomes clearer. This is our goal with trying to tell each other how we interpret various actions. As communication becomes clearer, conflict decreases and relationship satisfaction increases. THAT'S a great outcome!

Christmas is a great time to think about shared meanings and how they form. Lots of times we have certain "rituals" in our Christmas celebrations and we have a great deal of meaning attached to them...but our spouse may not. For instance, perhaps Christmas cookie baking symbolizes to you a time of shared joy as members bond during baking. Yet, your spouse may think Publix cookies are just as good and baking them is a waste of time. When you try to rally the troops to bake, your spouse may not support you. I see lots of tears and anger when efforts to bond are thwarted.  

Now is the time to talk about what the Christmas preparations  mean to you and ask what they mean to your spouse. If there is disagreement, then work through to a meaning you both can agree on. This might just bring more peace to your holidays. 

Happy Communicating~

Andrea

Speaking and Listening

A friend recently said she was reading the book of James in the Bible. Though I've read it before, I just finished reading Mark and thought James was a good place for my morning and evening Bible reading. I usually read just enough to give me something to think about and ponder.

This morning I encountered this nugget, "Let every person be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath" (chapter 1, verse 19).  Ouch. With Thanksgiving two days away, my DH birthday in 10 days, and a family trip coming up, I will admit that wrath is often closer than anything else.

Yet, the wisdom written centuries ago by Jesus's brother is just as true today. My family relationships would be much better if I took the time to hear what people are trying to say, instead of jumping to conclusions. My soul would be at peace if I took the time to speak only after thinking and listening. 


As the holidays draw near...whichever holidays you celebrate...I encourage you to join me in being slow to speak and anger, while being swift in really hearing (listening) to others. It just might make our holidays more enjoyable.

Happy Communicating!
Andrea

Lessons in Truth

Better is a dry morsel with quietness

Than a house full of feasting with strife.

Proverbs 17:1

Quietness...Strife. Which will you choose this day?
One may accompany rough and austere times, but love and peace prevail.
The other may accompany times of plenty, but quarreling and contentiousness prevail.

When we know God and His Son, Jesus Christ, we can choose quietness, even if it comes with a dry morsel. We know that in the end, we will have the feast.

At yoursuccessfulfamily, I try to include personal examples so you can see that what I tell you about is real, not just some objective textbook drudgery. I try to include lessons learned to help you avoid some pitfalls.

Today's Lesson in Truth hits home. I've tried strife and quietness with my family in the last week. And as always, the Bible is correct. I'll take that dry morsel any time. And I think my family is glad for that.

How about you?

Andrea

Where Do You Come From?

This might seem like a strange question. But the family you grew up in plays a HUGE role in how you behave in your family now. This phenomenon is called "Family of Origin Influences." Each of us leaves the home we are raised in with a set of conscious and unconscious ways of relating to others based on our family of origin.

Our views of gender roles, themes, boundaries, play, stress, relaxation, conflict, coping with loss, religion's role, ethnic patters...all of these are influenced by where we come from. By knowing where we have come from - the good, the bad, and the ugly - we can understand why we do what we do.


Here's an example. Like most moms, I'm swamped by all that there is to do around my house. With two little ones and a husband I feel like I'm constantly cleaning up after someone. Some days the mountain of work bothers me more than others. Today it was really getting to me. After getting not nearly enough done around the house, DS2 and I went to pick up Big Brother.


Now, all week we've had plans after school. So I wanted today to be a quiet day at home (translated, they play nicely while I get some work done around the house). My boys, however, had a different plan. :-) They wanted to ride bikes in our cul-de-sac. What's a mom to do?


I decided to sit outside with the boys, a cup of iced coffee, a book, and our favorite radio station. My boys had a  blast. They drew with sidewalk chalk, used their tools to break up wood, and rode scooters and bikes around the circle. I sat there watching their joy at having a long time to just play outside. I also thought about the mess inside. And I remembered the post for today. I realized that some day my children may choose to play with their children simply because I took the time to play instead of work. I also found that the house didn't seem like such a big deal after relaxing with the kids for a while. That's a big benefit...and a lesson I'm thrilled to have them take with them when they eventually leave home.


Happy Communicating!
Andrea

Skills Day: Theory into Practice

On Monday I wrote about the ways that communication is important to our families. Perhaps you read it and now have some new insights into your everyday communication.
Today I want to give you some ways to practice that communication.

• Spend some time thinking and praying about what your family means to you. Are they friends? Are they "just" family...or is family "everything" to you? Some people feel that whether they like their family or not is irrelevant because family is forever. Others feel that their family is all the people they have a close relationship with, whether they are blood relatives or not.
• Once you know what family means to you, take a look at what you say TO your family members and ABOUT your family memebers. Is what you say consistent with how you feel about your family?
• If it is consistent, that's great! Keep up the good work. If the way you feel about your family and the way you talk to/about them isn't consistent then it's time for some changes.
• You can begin those changes by thinking before you speak. We've all heard this before, but so few of us really do this. Sometimes we don't need to say how we feel. Perhaps we should let negative feelings be still for a bit before we 'spew' them all over someone. Often, I find time solves many of the trifling issues that seem so big in the moment.
• If you decide an issue is 'big' enough to discuss, go right to the person with whom you have an issue. This is really important. Talking with everyone else won't solve the problem...because those people aren't the problem! Go to the source directly. I'll discuss in future posts the ins and outs of conflict management.

I hope today you have some ideas for how to identify and demonstrate your true feelings about family!